Authentic Listening

    Authentic Listening: A Genuine Experience of a Constructive Conversation

By Shuchi Sharma

When a person speaks in a group, we all listen to him. But we all perceive it in different ways. Like if a person says 'Get Out', some may perceive it as an insult, others may take it as a rude comment but on the other hand a patient listener would try to understand his situation, analyze his words & then might come to a conclusion that, was that person harsh, or bugged up by his family or colleagues, or just said it for the person wants to be alone for a while. So this is what is called 'Authentic Listening'

The most important ingredient of communication is to be a good listener to practice what is called 'Authentic Listening'.

Authentic Listening involves the following basic steps:

1. Listening attentively to what the other person is saying without interrupting.
2. Feeding back your understanding of what he / she is saying / feeling.
3. Checking with your partner that you have understood him/her correctly

Objective Vs. Subjective understanding

Listening consciousness can be derived from the two basic areas of understanding such as the objective and the subjective one. Thus, the verbal and/or nonverbal material that our ears and eyes take in is processed through the mind, which filters the two components of the speaker’s expressions (i.e. the actuality and the story of the event). Actuality seems to simplify the facts and practicality of the event in an objective manner, whereas, the story displays the biased explanation or justification of the event through a subjective frame. However, the question is, “Where does the mind actually deliver an authentic or genuine listening process towards the speaker?”

Apparently, it can be stated that it is truly the mind that tends to listen between the lines whereas the ears only operate at the speed of sound. The words are just various formations of sound-effects if the mind does not initiate the meaning-making process of that conveyed sound material. Moreover, in various ancient spiritual scriptures, it is often specified that attaining a sense of calmness or stillness in one’s mind one can improve the essence of concentration. And full-blown concentration is impossible to achieve without the silence of one’s own mind.

Ego and perception as hindrance to Authentic Listening:

The ego-oriented environment or noise of the mind truly appears to be the notion that blocks the correct receptivity of the information being presented. Unquestionably, ego covers the self-serving hypocrisy of the individual that tends to protect one’s belief system, which is basically the mental garbage about the world that one carries in his/her mind that gives birth to the feelings of perception. As a result, the ego enables the listener to focus on his/her own opinion or response pattern rather than graciously receive and validate the communication that is being delivered by the speaker. Conversation is about the interconnection of the two individuals, whereas the ego works on one’s own subjective analysis or unasked advice/criticism of the material that is being presented to his/her ears.

Paramhansa Yogananda (2007) states that true or authentic listening tends to involve an unconditional positive regard that is neutral of any judgments or assumptions. By doing that, a true listener and not a wait-to-talker creates a safe context for the speaker to fully express his/her emotions in the conversation. No wonder the distress and anxiety in most relationships boils down to the lack of authentic listening in their conversations. Certainly, if ego becomes the dictator of the conversation, then surely the construction of new insights and validation of the speakers’ expressions will be blocked or diverted. It is quite interesting that everyone seeks such perfectly unbiased understanding from others, yet no one is actually willing to be the giver of it. Perhaps, the society gets in the habit of mirroring such behavior because the educational system only sheds light on how to be assertive or expressive of one’s perceptions or judgments. Undeniably, this aspect of communication not only blocks but diverts the conversation to an unnecessary realm where the emotional intimacy of the relationship gets affected in a negative manner. This is where the voice tone of the speaker gets inconsistent with his/her spoken words because the busy-minded listener is not really registering the speaker’s expressions.  Does this mean “We have actually forgotten to be patient with ourselves others in this rushed world?” Or “Why do we humans pay more attention to future planning as opposed to attending to what is in front of us?”

How can we learn to be an authentic listener and let someone else give the chance of opening up?

1. Embrace the silence. Don't rush to fill pauses. Pauses create space for more honest communication.

2. Listen without rushing ahead in your mind, pay attention to the other persons' real message, in body language, or body, or deed or word. 

3. Know that you are part of the interaction, but in no way are you responsible for directing it.

4. Accept that an interaction may draw to a sudden and swift closure, but that doesn't mean there's no closure in the experience. Of course it's quite possible that as soon as the other person feels the slackening of your expectations, he/she will unconsciously begin to speak or from a deeper vantage point.  

   

Overall, it is quite evident that one’s own mind is the real barrier in the process of attaining and practicing the art of authentic listening in this rushed world. True or authentic listening involves the essence of a silent mind that connects two individuals in a conversation. However, it is important to note that this genuine experience cannot be categorized as a form of action that is done between two or more individuals. Rather it is a sense of being with the other person in a patient and understanding manner without the existence of one’s ego (i.e. the mental garbage that we have picked-up from this world). In additional words, the authentic listening is a sense of being transcendent with one’s own self. In short, it is a process of being that nonjudgmental space where people will feel secure enough to be vulnerable regarding their emotions without receiving any unwanted or unasked logical analysis, advice, or criticism. So the question is, “Do you have the qualities to be an authentic listener? And the best way to measure your own lack of authentic listening is to focus on your own desire that calls for interrupting or concluding someone else’s sentences during a conversation.

References:
Stephen D. Boyd, Ph.D., CSP, is Professor Emeritus of Speech Communication, College of Informatics; Northern Kentucky University.
Yogananda, Paramhansa (2007). The wisdom of Yogananda: Spiritual Relationships. Crystal Clarity Publishers: Nevada City, California, USA.